secrets I tell my son, five weeks old

Because I do everything my saccharine and kind of patronizing “My Baby Today” Baby

Center App tells me to do, the other day I was instructed to “tell your baby a secret.” The “secret” they suggested I tell my son was, “I love you.”[1]

According to Baby Center:

Sharing “secrets” using a cardboard tube will keep your baby intrigued.

High tech baby communication device.

While I’m pretty sure that my infant son would be far more intrigued if given the opportunity to chew haphazardly on the aforementioned cardboard tube and stare blankly at the overhead lights like the future paste eater he is, I am also an insecure first time mom who is apparently willing to be convinced that my everyday kitchen recycling has a starring role in my child’s emotional and intellectual development.

So. Why not err on the side of caution? Here then is a non-exhaustive list of suggested alternative “secrets” I’d like to share with my five week old son.

1.     Tell me why you are crying.

2.     No, really, why?

3.     You appear remarkably unfazed by a giant diaper filled with liquid shit. You do not cry even for a second. By contrast, the simple act of putting a shirt on you warrants the ear shattering shrieks of a 300 lb pterodactyl. Discuss.

4.     You need to start taking a more active role in your personal hygiene. 

5.     Your father is a very heavy sleeper. Scream louder; it’s his turn.

6.     I am keeping track of the number of times you have peed on me. <Menacing cackle>.

7.     I don’t feel like you’re taking full advantage of tummy time. Let’s work a little harder, shall we?

8.     Mommy is very, very, very tired loves you.

What secrets, dear readers, would you tell your infant child if given a cardboard tube and free reign to assail him or her with a series of sarcastic quips?

(As I’m writing this, and C is dramatically wrangling our squirmy infant and demanding ALL OF THE CREDIT, C has suggested the following “secret” to tell our son: “Does each blog post come with a certificate of child neglect? Are we going to have to ask the dog to raise this baby?” Ahem. I guess that’s my cue.)

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[1] Why must I keep my love a secret? <With dramatic flare now> WHY?