Becoming a
parent has revealed what, honestly, I already knew: I am a control freak
creature of habit. I like routines,
predictability and schedules. I promise I’m not boring. I’m adventurous! And
spontaneous! And fun! But I’m also kind
of Type A. And in parenthood, there is no room for Type A. In parenthood, I
do not drive the proverbial bus. I am barely a passenger. This has been most
apparent in my son’s schedule, or absence thereof. I present to you:
The first six weeks, a snapshot:
<I don’t know
what time to “begin” this snapshot because honestly, time just kind of passes during the first six weeks. There
are no days, or nights or “bedtimes.” There is just time. Time that moves
slowly and chaotically and during which you cling to some semblance of normalcy,
fighting the DRASTIC changes affecting every last facet of your life. Also,
JOY. New baby! Cute baby clothes! Sausage arms!.>
So… let’s start
at 8:30 am, shall we?
8:30 am: Baby is awake! You are not awake. You do
not know what day it is. You barely know your name.
9:00 am: Feed baby. Baby is dopey eater. Baby
takes approximately 70 minutes to drain your boobs. That’s at least two
episodes of <insert morally questionable reality TV show>.
10:30 am - ????: The middle of the day is unclear. You
forget to eat lunch. You are unsure how to “play” with this amphibious creature
the hospital nurses swore was your son, so you intermittently sing him random
songs you remember from Hebrew school/expletive laced hip hop, lay him on his
tummy for 30 seconds until he screams, and shove toys in his face though you
are unsure whether or not he can see them. Also, your boobs feature prominently
during this period.
2 pm: Stuff baby in Ergo carrier and hurry off to your “new
mother group.” Pray that your baby will not be the baby who screams his way
through the entire hour and a half. Feed him relentlessly so that he remains
calm. Commiserate with other mothers about your lack of sleep. Wonder why this
new mothers group can’t just be a group nap time where someone else is hired to
watch your offspring. Everyone would be happier.
3:30-4:30 pm: Get coffee with other new mothers. Do
not sit down because baby is finally sleeping in Ergo carrier and you MUST NOT
STOP BOUNCING for fear
that he will wake up. Have engaging discussion with other new mothers about
various bottle and nipple types and bemoan the end of maternity leave. Make
plan with other going-stir-crazy-in-my-house
mothers to go for vigorous stroller walk the next day.
4:30 pm-????: The evening is a blur. Your partner
comes home from work and while on one hand you MUST HAVE A MOMENT TO YOURSELF
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE NEED TO POOP/SHOWER/EAT, you are also, kind of clingy and alternately do not want to stop holding the
baby/want to have 3 more just like him. BUT ALSO, you have passing feelings of
resentment toward people who don’t have children and who are at the gym/at the
bar/doing nothing right about now. It’s all very confusing and difficult to
explain. You know because when you try to explain it to your partner he appears
concerned for your mental wellbeing and suggests that you relax and have a
glass of wine. You give him the baby and become immediately unable to focus or
accomplish anything despite the BIG PLANS you had earlier in the day. Again,
your boobs feature prominently.
7 pm: You’ve read a lot about setting up a “bedtime routine” for
your baby, and you decide that TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT. But despite your best
efforts, the bath results in that I-forget-how-to-breathe-scream
that turns your baby bright red and leaves you reduced to tears. When you try
to “read a book” to your baby, you can’t help but feel like you’re actually
reading a book to your partner, who looks on with great interest at the
pictures in Goodnight Moon. By contrast, your son appears disinterested/distracted
by something shiny.
7:30 pm-????: Nighttime is a blur. You have no idea
what your baby’s “bed time” is nor any clue how to find out. He will not tell
you, despite your relentless inquiry. Sometimes he sleeps for a few hours at a
time. Sometimes he awakes every 45 minutes. Sometimes you give in and allow him
to sleep, upright in your arms for FAR TOO LONG, while you doze in and out of
sleep/check Facebook on your phone in the dark. Sometimes you check every fifteen
five minutes whether or not he’s breathing because he is FAR TOO QUIET.
2:30 am-6 am: Baby wakes constantly. Baby “cluster
feeds”. Or at least that’s what you’re calling it. Because new moms really like
to throw this term around and it seems to provide an appropriate and
normalizing name to what might otherwise be termed “COMPLETE FUCKING INSANITY.”
6 am: Baby wakes. You pretend he isn’t really awake because SLEEPY. You half-heartedly feed him and
let him doze in your arms for the next couple hours.
8:30 am: Rinse and repeat.
Weeks six, seven and eight:
And then, like
that, we kind of fell into a rhythm. Sure, the rhythm involves a gazillion
nighttime wakings – in a way that is not strikingly distinct from weeks one
through six – and also involves a deep and abiding uncertainty about whether my
son prefers his crib to the co-sleeper or the co-sleeper to the swing (IT
DEPENDS. Like, BY THE MINUTE. GAH!). But at least the unpredictability is
predictable. Sometimes he sleeps from 7-10 pm. Sometimes he wakes up at 8:30 pm.
Sometimes he sleeps from 10 pm – 2am and sometimes he wakes up at midnight and
fusses for an hour, looking at me wide eyed like a wild banshee. It’s kind of a
roll of the dice. Of course, there are some things we do kinda know, despite
failing miserably at keeping track of his every ever-loving movement with a fancy Smartphone app that promises to
make pie charts of your child’s bowel movements. Yes, despite failing at
baby technology, there are still some common denominators (that, having now
spoken them aloud, will probably not come true EVER AGAIN). For example, he actually
kind of has a bedtime. He usually goes to bed around 7 pm and wakes around
6-6:30 am. Then, about two hours after waking up, once he’s been
fed/changed/played and danced around, he’s ready for a nap. He naps for about
an hour/hour and a half – in the swing, woman! Only in the swing! – wakes at 10
ish and plays until 12:30 or so. Then he eats again and goes back down for another
nap around 1. The afternoon can be a bit of a crapshoot – will he take a third
nap? Will he pretend nap in my arms for 6 unbelievably short minutes then fuss
his way to bed time like a little terror? Will he happily bounce around in the
Ergo or nap peacefully in the stroller while we dart about town/various mamas
groups/a walk outside? Maybe. Also, maybe not. It’s not the rhythm I would have
chosen; not the type-A control freak routine I might have envisioned back in
the easy days of pregnancy, when my expectations were WILDLY UNREALISTIC. But
whatever it is, it’s our routine.
What about you guys - what's your routine? What can I expect going forward?
(Of course, now looking back and
comparing weeks one through six with weeks six/seven/eight, I am struck by how
it’s actually not the baby that’s changed at all but rather, it’s my own –
drastically lowered – expectations. AWWWWW,
SHUCKS.)
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| My 8 week old baby. In his preferred sleeping arrangement - dressed like a bear, strapped in a car seat. |
