Sunday, June 2, 2013

total dream, 11 weeks 2 days

I’ve struggled with how to find the right words to start this. Everything continues to feel very surreal.

On Friday we saw two arms, two legs, a brain and a heartbeat; a fetus, which, according to the book, is what it should be called now, however painfully clinical that sounds. Little hands, up by it’s mouth, legs a kicking. Heartbeat of 167. Even as I write this, it still doesn’t feel real. I came home Friday intending to post – to try to capture that raw emotion that one feels right after an appointment. But I couldn’t. It still seemed like a dream[1].

Throughout the entire thing, as C held my hand and grinned from ear to ear – hi, little baby – I couldn’t stop (wait for it) laughing. There were tears streaming down my cheeks but I was also laughing. In fits and starts, and in that kind of frenetic emotional state where you say out loud what everyone else can actually see – I’m laughing, I’m crying – because it’s all just so strange. Because I couldn’t believe this was actually happening. I just couldn’t believe that we were here. I couldn’t believe that I had graduated and moved across the hall from fertility clinic to bona fide OB office[2]. I couldn’t believe that the waiting room was full of visibly pregnant women – so pregnant that one was eating a football size burrito[3] while she waited and another was rubbing her belly and pacing, as though labor was imminent. I just couldn’t believe it – not any of it, frankly.

In our chat with the OB afterward, I was still floating. She was primed for my disbelief. When I began to ask her, so now that we’ve made it to 11 weeks, what is – she cut me off, the risk of miscarriage? I guess she’s been to this rodeo before. I could hear C’s deep, I’ve had it up to hear with your negativity, sigh but he also smiled – I think somehow content that he can read my mind; he too knew exactly what I was going to ask.

The rest of the visit is a bit of a blur. We talked about early screening tests, we talked about my B12 levels, I gave the lecherous nurses about nine pints of my blood, etc. All very riveting, I know. And then we walked out of there, still, as if on a cloud.

We have some prenatal care decisions to make – apparently I’m now a woman who says things like that <shakes head disapprovingly> – and believe it or not, the life outside my uterus has also been, in a word, busy. In addition to fetus arms and legs[4], the last week has been full of, ahem, milestones – potential new job and I ate my first salad in over a month (those two things are totally equal in my book). So, you know, BIG WEEK HERE tempered excitement.

[1] Also, let’s be honest, I was starving. And you know, pregnancy has its priorities… <nom, nom, nom>.
[2] Apparently, I also graduated to a less invasive form of ultrasound. No more transvaginal wandings for this uterus. Which is why, as I motioned to the tech if I should like, you know, strip from the waist down <unbuttoning pants>, she was horrified. Oh, you just want me to pull my shirt up? C had his palm to his forehead at this point, basically hysterical.
[3] Woman after my own heart, naturally. Of course, this particular burrito smelled like iceberg lettuce, LETTUCE! – which, I promise you, has a smell when you’re pregnant – and had my stomach in somersaults. But whatever.
[4] I am aware that the phrase “fetus arms and legs” sounds totally creepy.


  1. That is so, so sweet. And it's good to hear that other emotions are starting to push aside the anxiety!

  2. so exciting!! p.s. i can't believe lettuce has a smell!?

  3. LOL. Yes, even not pregnant, lettuce has a smell for me. I haven't determined if it is pleasant or not. Maybe it depends on how my nose is feeling (some days any and all smells hurt other days I can tolerate more). Pregnancy was fun (sarcasm here) with smells. Gag!

    I still had to unbutton my pants for later ultrasounds, but only so that they weren't in the way and I didn't get gel on them. It definitely was strange to not have to strip!

    Congrats on the awesome u/s and doctor visit. Can't wait to hear more.

  4. Yay, so exciting! Stop worrying your pretty little head, all is going perfectly well. I don't think you need to even think about the "m word" after this week.

  5. Picturing you laughing and happy-crying at this appointment made my heart feel so fuzzy and warm. SO excited for you and your healthy little official fetus!

  6. YESSSSSSSS!!! Love this.

  7. The most amazing thing in the world. I am SO happy for you. Also, congrats on moving into the world of non-invasive ultrasounds.