Sunday, March 3, 2013

an uneasy calm, cycle 3, day 17


There’s a certain calmness in this time – this in between time, after the doctor-mandated-sex but before the two-week-wait sets in, in earnest. The proverbial calm before the storm. Truthfully, I’ve never felt it before – not in the last two cycles and certainly not when I was trying unassisted, futile though it was.

But just yesterday, a kind of calm has settled over me. I want, with every fiber of my being, for this to be it – to be pregnant, to hold on to the gaggle of cells this time, to give birth to a healthy, gurgling babe. And at the same time, I feel almost liberated in my awareness and my (tacit, halting) acceptance that this very well might not be the one. That I could just as plausibly be again un-pregnant.

The last two rounds, the two-week-wait just felt like I was interminably holding my breath – I don’t think I exhaled until the blood work was in, and even then, only with great hesitation.  By contrast, today at least – and that’s to say nothing of tomorrow or the days ahead, during which I’m sure I will descend into the anxiety-ridden crevasse of usual – feels calm and accepting, a very unfamiliar peace. I’m not inventorying my stockpile of pregnancy tests or browsing through the designer nurseries on Apartment Therapy – or at least not as furiously. I know that I’ll be heartbroken if this cycle doesn’t work – it’s the one year mark of trying, it’s the last cycle of Clomid before we kick it up a notch and move to IUI, it’s one step closer to – on bad days – big conversations about how far we’ll take this, whether adoption is a possibility and all kinds of other overwhelming Big Questions.

But for today, I am – how, I’m not sure – calm.

(So that’s it. An entire post without a footnote, a strikethrough or a hyperlink – just me, getting kind of real, without sarcasm as my cover. But I’m not one for saccharine sentimentality. So let’s not make a habit of it.)

6 comments:

  1. I love your saccharine sarcasm. But I also love this calm, direct, Buddhist you. Both are good. Dare I say, I hope this calm continues throughout the cycle? Because I really, really do.

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  2. May the calm continue as long as possible (for you, not necessarily on the blog) :)
    Thinking of you.

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  3. Even though it's taken me *forever* (I'm a later bloomer), I feel like I'm in a similar place of uneasy calm, the wierd blend of wanting/feeling liberated.

    I love sarcastic you, but I also think real you is great, and that there's room for all of you. May you never have to deal with the Big Questions.

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  4. The uneasy calm is a good place to me. I'm in it too- not because we're in a 2WW but because we decided to take a break from the crazy for a couple months- it's been 1.5 years for us and I needed to take some time off, to ride the bench and enjoy the view from the sidelines for a bit! Hard, but good for us right now. Godspeed and good wishes and more and more!

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  5. aw, shucks. thanks guys for embracing all-the-sides-of-sarah. although i think sarcasm will be the most prevalent among them, soon to return (as my calm quickly fades). @sadie - "may you never have to deal with the Big Questions" are words that could only be spoken between a bunch of infertile ladies, thanks for the positive thoughts everyone!

    @quirkykatie - so glad to have you cheering us all on from the sidelines! i think it's a healthy place to be and I am already considering a May hiatus (we have vacation planned so logistically, it might be a nightmare to do otherwise). how are you feeling about it all?

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  6. this post is lovely. so far, i am quite delighted with all all-the-sides-of-sarah. i tend to have a little less than a week of calm right after ovulation before the pessimism takes hold of my insides and turns me into a neurotic mess. i hope you can steer clear of that state of mind for a little bit longer. also, we may be taking a break really soon here. i will have interviews all over the country (if i'm lucky) during late december and early january, so timing would really be terrible if things happened to (finally) work next cycle. we'll see. as of this moment, the idea of taking time off from this is really, REALLY anxiety producing.

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