It’s possible that I was a little bit of a bitch[1]
this week. There. I said it. And I’m just going to own it blame it all
on the hormones coursing through my body. I was basically just a bitch sort
of snappy when I could have been patient; a bit judgmental when I should have
been loving. I saw it and yet, I was completely powerless to stop it. It’s an eerie out of body experience – especially given that I am
usually such a bright, cheery, kind and generous person.[2]
If I were being thoughtful about this, if I wasn’t using
such foul language[3], I think I
would say that it’s more of a “second-cycle-funk” (that’s a thing, right?).
It’s not that I feel angry or resentful at not being with child. As much as I adore that
phrase, and as much as I planned to relentlessly deny embrace those feelings, they’re just not
here. I’m still decidedly not at the point where the fertility clinic waiting
room sign – The presence of children may
make other patients uncomfortable. Please make arrangements for them before
coming.[4]
– applies to me (and dear-omnipotent-presence-if-you-do-exist-in-whatever-form,
let me never get to that place and in the meantime, let me be kind to those who
have). In fact – shock of the interwebs – I’m still genuinely happy to receive
baby announcements. It’s just that I don’t know what the future holds[5]
and this leaves me feeling astonishingly, breathtakingly, staggeringly ANXIOUS. Which, in turn, leads me to express my apprehension
in negative ways be a bitch.
So, I’m working on it. I think it’s
in check now – much more so when I feed it cookies and let it watch Portlandia.
In the meantime, I’m embracing my hormonal instability. Because, you guys: bitches get stuff done.
[1] <Insert
post-modern feminist argument about the social harms of the word “bitch”, then
something about “reclaiming” the word bitch and probably something else about
heteronormativity and hegemony. > Or else, probably just what Murray said in Clueless.
[2] Sarcasm is
difficult to convey in writing. Deadpan.
[3] Did I
mention that my parents are now
reading this. <Walks off tall building.>
[4] Seriously.
[5] I
promised this blog would deliver on deep thoughts, didn’t I?
