bitches get stuff done: cycle 2, day 9

It’s possible that I was a little bit of a bitch[1] this week. There. I said it. And I’m just going to own it blame it all on the hormones coursing through my body. I was basically just a bitch sort of snappy when I could have been patient; a bit judgmental when I should have been loving. I saw it and yet, I was completely powerless to stop it. It’s an eerie out of body experience – especially given that I am usually such a bright, cheery, kind and generous person.[2]

If I were being thoughtful about this, if I wasn’t using such foul language[3], I think I would say that it’s more of a “second-cycle-funk” (that’s a thing, right?).

It’s not that I feel angry or resentful at not being with child. As much as I adore that phrase, and as much as I planned to relentlessly deny embrace those feelings, they’re just not here. I’m still decidedly not at the point where the fertility clinic waiting room sign – The presence of children may make other patients uncomfortable. Please make arrangements for them before coming.[4] – applies to me (and dear-omnipotent-presence-if-you-do-exist-in-whatever-form, let me never get to that place and in the meantime, let me be kind to those who have). In fact – shock of the interwebs – I’m still genuinely happy to receive baby announcements. It’s just that I don’t know what the future holds[5] and this leaves me feeling astonishingly, breathtakingly, staggeringly ANXIOUS. Which, in turn, leads me to express my apprehension in negative ways be a bitch.

So, I’m working on it. I think it’s in check now – much more so when I feed it cookies and let it watch Portlandia. In the meantime, I’m embracing my hormonal instability. Because, you guys: bitches get stuff done.

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[1] <Insert post-modern feminist argument about the social harms of the word “bitch”, then something about “reclaiming” the word bitch and probably something else about heteronormativity and hegemony. > Or else, probably just what Murray said in Clueless.

[2] Sarcasm is difficult to convey in writing. Deadpan.

[3] Did I mention that my parents are now reading this. <Walks off tall building.>

[4] Seriously.

[5] I promised this blog would deliver on deep thoughts, didn’t I?