Saturday, January 5, 2013

bitches get stuff done: cycle 2, day 9


It’s possible that I was a little bit of a bitch[1] this week. There. I said it. And I’m just going to own it blame it all on the hormones coursing through my body. I was basically just a bitch sort of snappy when I could have been patient; a bit judgmental when I should have been loving. I saw it and yet, I was completely powerless to stop it. It’s an eerie out of body experience – especially given that I am usually such a bright, cheery, kind and generous person.[2]

If I were being thoughtful about this, if I wasn’t using such foul language[3], I think I would say that it’s more of a “second-cycle-funk” (that’s a thing, right?).

It’s not that I feel angry or resentful at not being with child. As much as I adore that phrase, and as much as I planned to relentlessly deny embrace those feelings, they’re just not here. I’m still decidedly not at the point where the fertility clinic waiting room sign – The presence of children may make other patients uncomfortable. Please make arrangements for them before coming.[4] – applies to me (and dear-omnipotent-presence-if-you-do-exist-in-whatever-form, let me never get to that place and in the meantime, let me be kind to those who have). In fact – shock of the interwebs – I’m still genuinely happy to receive baby announcements. It’s just that I don’t know what the future holds[5] and this leaves me feeling astonishingly, breathtakingly, staggeringly ANXIOUS. Which, in turn, leads me to express my apprehension in negative ways be a bitch.

So, I’m working on it. I think it’s in check now – much more so when I feed it cookies and let it watch Portlandia. In the meantime, I’m embracing my hormonal instability. Because, you guys: bitches get stuff done.


[1] <Insert post-modern feminist argument about the social harms of the word “bitch”, then something about “reclaiming” the word bitch and probably something else about heteronormativity and hegemony. > Or else, probably just what Murray said in Clueless.
[2] Sarcasm is difficult to convey in writing. Deadpan.
[3] Did I mention that my parents are now reading this. <Walks off tall building.>
[4] Seriously.
[5] I promised this blog would deliver on deep thoughts, didn’t I?

2 comments:

  1. Ok, so I just caught up on your blog. First of all, I am sorry for everything you are going through. Hilarity of your blog aside, I can only imagine how much this rollercoaster sucks.

    But on the positive note, you somehow manage to be a lawyer, be a good (hilarious) writer, link to numerous witty references (Clueless was great) AND have the first annotated, footnoted blog I've read. Go you!

    FX...no wait, just kidding. Good luck for you on this cycle.

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  2. Blushing - but thank you! Has been great to read your blog, too!

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