slow and, err, steady? cycle 4, day 14

Don’t despair – my tireless rants about working mothers are behind us, and now we can return to all-pelvis-all-the-time programming. So. Where were we?

Well, I’ve finished with my incessant sobbing for now and moved on to every other day wandings and blood draws, because we all know how funny those are. Here’s where we’re at:

Thursday, Day 10: wanding by the tech who seems uncomfortably excited about my ovaries and tells me as much with a very thick Boston accent, while I’m restrained in stirrups and her arm is halfway inside me. Buh-yuuu-ti-fuhl ovuhrees! Goohr-jus! A few follicles on the right, one on the left, none big enough to trigger ovulation.

Saturday, Day 12: welcome to your weekend, please proceed to the far-away-weekend-clinic-location whose waiting room does have better magazines. And, apparently, Jack Hanna on TV, which was compelling enough that as we left, C informed me that he is going to become a doctor for turtles. NOTED.

Meanwhile, behind door number 2: follicles growing ever so slowly, largest at 15 mm, still not big enough to trigger. Which is sad because if there’s one truth in this world it is that I long for my monthly injection of Chinese hamster ovary. Return on Monday. Third time’s the charm?

I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes: cycle 2, day 23

Three signs that I am probably not pregnant:

(1) Missing in action

For the mathematically inclined at home, yes, I know, I’m only 10 days post ovulation. So, technically, my period’s not missed, just missing. Last cycle, gifted and talented ovulator that I am, my period arrived basically 30 minutes after I ovulated. (If you’re wondering - those 29 minutes of I-could-totally-be-pregnant were, in a word, bliss).

Anyway. I’m ten days post ovulation (10dpo if you will – and you will not, because we do not use jargon here) and nothing. Nothing with a big, fat, YET attached to it.

What I think this means: ohmygod I’m pregnant.

What this actually means: Well. Actually. According to numerous reputable online sources – which I had to check because, duh, I still have basically no idea how my body works – Aunt Flo usually doesn’t arrive until 14-16 days post ovulation which means I am… so not pregnant. On a related note, I’m also sick of carrying tampons in every bag and pocket I own. *dramatic sigh.*

(2) Premature menopause hot flashes

As in, several times a day. In particular, when I’m oh, I don’t know, breathing. Or breathing in the close vicinity of another human being. Or possibly walking. Or possibly sitting at my desk trying not to breathe and holding my limbs as still as possible. ProTip: when planning to sweat through your fancy work clothes, best to wear dark colors.