Supreme infertility

And just like that, a hearing about marriage equality[1] turns into pointed questioning by an unmarried, childless, woman Supreme Court Justice (the horror!), culminating in the sound of thousands of infertiles applauding (or so I’ve led myself to believe in my head):

Justice Kagan: Well, suppose a state said, Mr. Cooper, suppose a state said that because we think that the focus of marriage really should be on procreation, we are not going to give marriage licenses anymore to any couple where both people are over the age of 55.  Would that be Constitutional? 

Mr. Cooper: No, your Honor, it would not be Constitutional.

Justice Kagan: Because that’s the same state interest, I would think, you know.  If you are over the age of 55, you don’t help us serve the government’s interest in regulating procreation through marriage.  So why is that different?

Here, here, Justice Kagan. But wait, there’s more!

When Charles J. Cooper, the hack attorney defending California’s Proposition 8, decided to crown himself expert-scientist-and-reproductive-endocrinologist-extraordinaire, things really got hot and heavy for the middle aged set interesting:

Mr. Cooper: Your honor, even with respect to couples over the age off 55, it’s very rare that both couples — both parties to the couple are infertile and the traditional -­ 

(Laughter.[2])

Justice Kagan: No, really, because if the couple — I can just assure you, if both the woman and the man are over the age of 55, there are not a lot of children coming out of that marriage.

BAM! Elena basically owned him, but Cooper wasn’t finished. He still had this gem of deep, nuanced, scientific insight to impart: 

Mr. Cooper: Very few men – very few men outlive their own fertility.

When I heard Cooper make this panty dropping jaw-dropping statement, all I could think was: I HAVE A GIANT PENIS[3]. I AM SO VIRILE. THERE IS NOTHING I CAN’T IMPREGNATE. Or, with less capital letters – basically, a load of what-the-fuck-typical-male-phallocentrism. In any case, way to elevate the discourse, Coop!

So Cooper’s arguments were flaccid (sorry, it was too easy) and poorly reasoned. But let’s be honest. No one, no one, outdoes Nino. (Except maybe Thomas in his stealthy, brooding, silence.) So without further adieu, here’s Scalia, father of NINE, for the win most dickish comment of the day:

Justice Scalia: I suppose we could have a questionnaire at the marriage desk when people come in to get the marriage – you know, are you fertile or are you not fertile?

HA. HA. HA. Yeah. I suppose we could. Right beside the racially segregated water fountains.

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[1] In case there was any doubt – I fully support marriage equality. Though I have yet to change my Facebook photo to double red lines because at least right now, double lines are just too reminiscent of an at home pregnancy test. Funny, right? Okay fine, I’m just lazy.

[2] Query: what do we think the source of this laughter was? Were hundreds of spectators uncomfortable imagining their parents doing it? Or did everyone immediately see through Cooper’s batshit-bonkers logic?

[3] Too much?