Sunday, April 14, 2013

gulp. still pregnant.


This morning I went for my second beta and the anxiety was, in a word, catastrophic. C was again working a 30 hour shift in the ICU so I was on my own for the last 24 hours, trying desperately to distract myself and legitimately contemplating whether I could request 24 hours of anesthesia or some other powerful sedative. Hey doc, just wake me when you get the bloodwork back. Seriously[1].

Which is why, after my early morning blood letting, sweaty, panicked and flustered, I drove around aimlessly for a while – there is literally nothing open at 8:45 am on a Sunday, it turns out – before arriving at the grocery store where I proceeded to gaze longingly at the gaggle of toddlers and infants and baby Bjorns that apparently proliferate grocery stores early in the morning walk as slowly as possible through every single aisle pausing to intently consider whether 11 dollar amaranth flour was something I should be incorporating into my diet.

And the grocery store – the check out line to be specific, being asked if I wanted “cash back”– is where I found myself when I got THE CALL. Although I’m certain I blacked out, I seem to have emerged from the store having paid and with groceries in hand, and only six or seven impulse buys[2].

Anyway. The nurse was exceptionally patient with me – she told me what to expect in the next couple weeks (nausea!) and entertained my barrage of questions which included such gems as can I do crunches? and other this-is-totally-surreal-nonsense. Ready to like wrap it the hell up already because I have 30 other women to call, she left me with her assurances that while everything is a day at a time early in pregnancy, things appeared to be “progressing normally” and my numbers[3] “looked good”. (She clearly has no idea my level of pessimism).

So here I am. Tentative and terrified[4], though slightly buoyed by having passed this teeny-tiny-nearly-insignificant hurdle in what appears to be 40 weeks of petrifying milestones. So whatever you guys did – your fist pumping and your positive vibes and whatever omnipotent beings you did or did not pray to, thank you. I hope you’ll keep reading as I plunder along through this vast unknown. And, if the occasion should present itself, I promise to live blog my miscarriage or, in the alternative, if things proceed, ahem, toward baby-dom, I promise not to become a sanctimommy. But I will dress my future child in non-gender-specific leg warmers and make it play a pan flute[5].


Edited to add: not to be a freak or anything (I'm being a totally paranoid freak) but for those of you who happen to know me in real life - hi! - while I'm blogging pseudo anonymously about all this, I'm still not being "public" about it. No coming out party on Facebook, etc. So when you see me in person, pretend we never met I'll be super awkward about it. I know, it doesn't make sense - I never promised consistency and I never denied indulging in hypocrisy. pleaseandthankyou.




[1] Instead, it is entirely possible, though I will not confirm or deny, that I bought Mindy Kaling’s book (used, for 7 bucks, hypothetically) and read 2/3 of it in one sitting. Because reading about a timid chubster (her words) who is afraid of her own bike was somehow comforting.
[2] Sometimes a girl just needs 8 dollar organic jellybeans. For the baby.
[3] Since I know you’re on pins and needles: my second number was 444, just slightly more than double my first of 141. The trolls on the interwebs tell me this number is terrible, awful and no good. But a special online calculator thingy tells me that a doubling time of 43.51 hours and increase of 214.9% is super duper (medical term). Oh, and an actual medical professional also said so. Whatever.
[4] Mostly about putting on or taking off my bra. Because. Holyshiticannotexplainthislevelofboobpain.
[5] Whatever you do today, read this. You will laugh so hard you will cry.

22 comments:

  1. This is GREAT news! You are not only "still pregnant," you are really and truly pregnant. The nurse told you so! So congratulations!!!

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    1. You know what this means, right - now you have to teach me your-being-pregnant tricks (I've already gleaned that eating nachos is a bad idea. Ha.)

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    2. Lol...yes, and as I learned yesterday, so is eating an entire box of Velveeta Mac 'n Cheese. Yes, I really did this. And it really came back up looking pretty much exactly the same as it went in.

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  2. Congratulations! Hoping for continued good news for you!

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  3. Enjoy the good news...and hang in there!! Eagerly following!

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  4. Heck yes you are pregnant! So happy for you! I too will e sending good vibes and fairy dust.

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  5. thanks ladies! Just taking it one. day. at. a. time.....

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  6. WHAT!!!!! I was out of town and off the web for a few short days and I COME BACK TO THIS?

    YES!!!

    Keep taking it one day at a time or doing whatever it is that you need to do. This is awesome awesome news. So happy for you guys. Vibes will continue coming!

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    1. I APPRECIATE YOUR USE OF ALL CAPS. Ha. And thanks for the excitement and hope you had a good break from all this infertility bizness.

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    2. I couldn't come up with words that would sufficiently convey my real-life reaction. And I am of the belief that language arts can sometimes be improved by incorporating visual components. But what the hell am I talking about. Who cares. Why am I even talking right now. YOU'RE PREGNANT.

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    3. I'm kidding - I totally appreciated it. (And obviously I'm the last one to comment on such use of language arts given my unrelenting use of strike-through.)

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  7. I am so happy for you. (It's the first time I comment, got here through Sadie (@Invincible Spring). I definitely share the schizophrenia.

    I really hope it will all go well. Sending you all the love and energy. Lucky lucky you :)

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  8. So great that you're stepping on ever-more-solid ground! Those are great numbers (I actually *was* on pins and needles)! I for one will be reading along whatever twists and turns present themselves, including the first pan flute recitals (that New Yorker piece was hilarious. Thanks!). Anyway - although 'baby dust' creeps me out (what's it made from? eeewww) - lots and lots of healthy vibes are being sent your way from this corner of England.

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  9. Excellent!!!!!!

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  10. Great news! I'd say the medical professionals might have an edge over the interweb trolls here, so YEAH!!! Here's hoping for nine months of sedative-like calmness for you. I look forward to following along!
    Oh, and I'd like to thank Sadie for forever changing my mental image of baby dust from "pixie dust-ish magical baby creating vibes" to "particles of actual babies suspended in the air." Gross ;)

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    1. Sorry! But while I am totally a fan of pixie dust and all the ethereal imagery that conjurs (or really, even the brightly coloured sugary stuff they sell at the corner store), I am totally creeped out by people sending 'baby dust'...It's just a little too Stepford wife-ish for me...
      Or, as another IFer I know in real life said: 'Perhaps we just haven't figured out what to do with it (the baby dust). Maybe we're supposed to sniff it?' Ha.

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    2. I love this back and forth about baby dust as I too find the reference bizarre and borderline icky. Actually, Sadie put it much better - there's something stepford-wife-ish about the whole thing. But if snorting baby dust would spare me chinese hamster ovary injections and subsequent morning sickness then, umm, sign me up?

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  11. So exciting! Somehow I missed your other posts but i'm so glad I caught this one. I hope that everything continues to go well. Best wishes.

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  12. I swear I commented on this post, but maybe the internet ate it. Anyway in abbreviated form it was: HOORAY! It's really happening. Looking forward to your musings on pregnancy. (and so yes to the sore boobs).

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    1. Thanks and I take your comment to mean that you're also in pregnancy land? If so, congrats and may the boob soreness dissipate (not that mine has...)

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    2. Yep, 13 weeks tomorrow(!). For me the sore boobs eased around 8 weeks, but I am wearing a bra 24/7. Here's hoping yours doesn't last too long.

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