Tuesday, April 23, 2013

my elusive "pregnancy voice"


I don’t quite know what to do with my infertile-but-now-pregnant self. I’ve been having feelings of…. Guilt! Betrayal! THIS GIRLDLE IS SO TIGHT! And other melodramatic feelings that only exist in the hearts of women in Jane Austen books[1] and Downton Abbey[2]?

Being pregnant[3] after infertility – even after my total junior league, AAA, <insert other sports reference signifying a very novice level of anything> infertility – is fucking strange. (An expletive was appropriate there, I assure you.)

But because delving too deeply into my “complicated” and “complex” feelings would necessarily involve something about my superego, followed by several painstaking hours of insufferable navel gazing, the urge to drink, and the en masse exit of all of my readers I’ll spare you.

That was a lie.

It’s just that <deep breath signifying profound thoughts to come, accompanied by dramatic hand gestures>: I’m not sure where I belong – cue the COLOSSAL ORCHESTRA of tiny violins[4]. On one hand, any admission of a promising beta feels like a direct assault. A kind of virtual, so long suckers! Which makes me feel like a total witch. On the other hand, ohmygoodness half-off-infant-fleece-Patagonia-onesie![5]

But this week, as promised, I’ve been trying to embrace optimism; to allow C (and myself, on alternate Tuesday afternoons, except today, not today), to like, enjoy this. Every godforsaken tender-breasted-getting-up-in-the-night-to-pee-three-times-should-i-bring-a-plastic-bag-on-the-subway-in-case-i-puke? moment.

So anyway. In my first act of everything-is-swell-ness, I contemplated purchasing the bible of expectant motherhood, What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Because what better way to GETEXCITED than through “literature.” After reading a number of reviews, which insinuated something to the effect of – ONLY BUY THIS BOOK IF YOU WANT TO HAVE THE EVERLOVING SHIT SCARED OUT OF YOU! – I was sold! having second thoughts. Despite still believing I have (a) an ectopic pregnancy; (b) a blood clot moving slowly, but defiantly, toward my brain; (c) shingles[6]; or (d) all of the above plus some other parade of horribles I am not yet privy to, I’m not sure I need to pay someone else, namely this-woman-who-obviously-lives-in-a-wax-museum, to fan the flames of my insanity laced paranoia in print. So I’ve resolved my internal debate by fiendishly searching the interwebs for a free, digital version of the book. Because as long as I don’t have to pay someone to fan the flames of my insanity laced paranoia…amiright?

Anyway. Optimism! She’s a devious mistress. This post is really wrapping up nicely, eh?

In other infertility news: you guys, Tom Arnold did twenty-one cycles of IVF with four different women. And now he’s a dad. So that should…inspire us?

I am slowly finding my “pregnancy voice[7].” Bare with me.


[1] Actually, I have no idea. For some reason Jane Austen books seemed to be perennially assigned as summer reading in my public high school. Which meant that sometime, in late August, I would purchase the Cliffs Notes and also maybe, maybe, listen to about 1/3 of the book on tape.
[2] Ditto. Never seen a single episode *ducks to avoid the volley of sharp objects thrown in her general direction.*
[3] Today’s intermittent all day nausea confirms that I am, possibly, still pregnant.
[4] No one knows why LeBron is playing a tiny violin. NO ONE.
[5] For the record, did not purchase because: hellomiscarriageharbinger. On a related note: anything with the official name “baby reversible puff-ball pants” just slays me. (Swear I was just looking at the sale items and infant wear was mixed in with totally reasonable and age appropriate adult women’s wear).
[6] Don’t worry mom. I’m calling my PCP tomorrow.

14 comments:

  1. Looking forward to hearing more of your pregnancy voice. I absolutely ADORE the way your write, and I assure you that you belong here with us... those of us who are still in the trenches of infertility as well as those of us who are pregnant after infertility/loss. We want you as part of our sisterhood just as much when you have success as when you are still trying.

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    1. This is just about the nicest thing anyone's said to me. I have nothing snarky nor witty to say in response :)

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    2. I can really only second what Gypsy Mama has said so well. Please stick around Sarah, we love your presence here! Also, write in whatever voice you happen to be channeling...

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  2. You'll find it. And when you do it will look like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71Xgvhxv6jc. C is the price (obviously)... also, not sure why it's in Norwegian...?

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    1. This is perfect! As the Norwegians say, "Ariel får stemmen sin tilbake!" (??)

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  3. hahaha! keep writing whatever voice you need to write in.

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  4. It totally, totally makes sense to feel confused and "between" -- after all, infertility becomes this all-consuming identity that *feels* like it should just disappear once you achieve the goal, but then....identity usually goes deeper than that because it's an identity!

    (FWIW, I don't get rid of my IF blog-friends once they become pregnant. I just move them to my Google Reader feed called "spawning" instead of "TTC". That way I keep track of people I care about, but if I need a break from pregnancy updates, it's super easy for me to do that!) (Curse you Google Reader for going away in July, arghsdgajdghj)

    <3

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    1. Totally honored to have been moved to the "spawning" category (no, really, that's awesome). Also, serious suck re: the end of Google Reader. What are you moving to? I've heard good things about Feedly but had trouble setting it up (because I am clearly a luddite)...

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    2. I'm toying with Feedly. There's also The Old Reader, which I may try out as well. I'm in the process of researching what direction I want to go in, and also I'm trying to create a library workshop on different RSS feeders before July, so I'm hoping to discover more soon!

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  5. I have been waiting for you to post! And don't worry, once you settle in, you'll find your "pregnancy voice" very quickly. There's plenty to be snarky about (think puking in public places).

    It seems everyone who is blogging and somewhat aware goes through this confusing time of how to reconcile the pure luck and gratefulness for being pregnant. Each person has their own identity crisis to go through. Even me - I just wrote about feeling guilty because I didn't go through the infertility that others did (yes, I know, oh POOR me...stupid). Anyhow, what I'm saying is, you'll figure it out. And please keep blogging through it. I LOVE reading your posts.

    Oh, and instead of What to Expect, try the Mayo Guide to Pregnancy. It's scientific, and keeps the scary stuff in the pack in separate chapters.

    p.s. I DO hate you for not watching Downton Abbey!! ;)

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    1. *totally crossing my fingers that I puke in a really cool public place - like a museum! or a courthouse!*

      (And thanks - will totally check out the Mayo Guide!)

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  6. [1] YES to that Portlandia episode with the feminist bookstore.
    [2] Double YES to anything involving Mindy Kaling (was her book good?)
    [3] Please keep finding excuses to invoke YouTube clips of Full House, especially ones that involve Jessie and miniature Olsen(s).
    [4] I am SO happy I've found your blog! Redacted sentences and footnotes are the way to my heart... and congratulations on the wonderful/terrifying news. Love reading about how type-A lawyers cope with first-trimester milestones... makes me feel normal. :)

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    1. [1] Even better: http://www.ifc.com/portlandia/videos/kumail-tours-portlandia-feminist-bookstore (an interview with the inspiration behind the feminist bookstore - it will blow your mind)
      [2] kind of yes totally. but not as good as bossypants. which I am contractually obligated to endorse because once someone said I look like Tina Fey.
      [3] Absolutely!
      [4] Type A? Who me? (also, does this mean you are also of the law-talking-variety?)

      thanks for reading - and congrats on your pregnancy!

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