Friday, April 5, 2013

the wall, cycle 4, day 25


Today, I hit a wall. What was once a pronouncement of my emotional stability, foresight and some apparent measure of self-care – “I will take a beak! I am going on vacation!” – is now a possibility that fills me with terror.

In the car with C this morning, on our way to the RE’s office for a what’s-next-if-I’m-not-pregnant appointment, I found myself asking C about adoption – leap frogging, without explanation, right over two more medicated IUI cycles and who-knows-what IVF. Soon, C was sputtering, admitting that he’s not yet ready to confront the possibility that the prospect of having a child might be put off by years and tangled up in bureaucracy and money we don’t have. And then, meeting with the RE, there was C, conceding that he also has a psychological block when it comes to IVF – he’s just not there yet. Which led him to casually suggest that hey, why not DO AS MANY CYCLES OF IUI AS POSSIBLE FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN. To which the RE kindly read my mind replied, THE LADY WILL HAVE NONE OF THAT PLEASE AND THANK YOU. And I, possibly, maybe, just barely, gave sweet C one of those half-smile-trying-to-look-unfazed looks like, don’t you think we could have discussed this earlier? Ahem.

Here’s the thing: we usually emerge from the RE’s office plan-in-hand. Despite the possibility that plan foretells – still not pregnant – having it in my possession is deceptively empowering. Because I’m a controlling maniac sort-of-Type-A person, I embrace structure and certainty – or at least as much as I can get in the world of unpredictable infertility.

And yet, despite my ostensible insight into my own needs, we didn’t make a decision today. We didn’t plan the next cycle. We told the nurse of our vacation plans and we vaguely considered the dear-god-spare-me number of days of birth control that could keep things at bay while we’re hiking and gallivanting with friends across California next month. But despite my best intentions; despite my stoic affirmations and belief that having said it out loud would make it easier to do, I sit here having neither chosen to barrel ahead nor having given in to taking a break. In fact, I feel rather paralyzed; incredulous that we are here. In our fourth medicated cycle. More than ten years after we first started dating. More than one year after we first started trying.

But here we are, and here I am, weighed down with apprehension and insecurity. I’m not exactly sure what I want. I couldn’t be happier that we’re getting away, seeing close friends who we adore, and spending time outside instead of handcuffed to a keyboard. But at the same time, I’m deeply aware of the possibility that another needs-to-be-timed-for-right-now IUI cycle could have me resenting this adventure. I don’t want that. But I also don’t want this feeling. This uneasy in between, the foreboding and anxiety that has me biting my cuticles to the quick. I may just crawl into a cocoon until my beta next Friday. Please excuse me.

10 comments:

  1. Your vacation sounds amazing. But I know how hard it is to declare "we're taking a break." Whatever your decision, try not to second guess yourself too much-- it'll drive you crazy! Oh, and I totally did the leap frogging to adoption thing immediately after my first miscarriage. My husband tried to gently tell me to slow the negativity train down a little and consider some other options first-- which I'm doing, but I'm still leap frogging in the back of my mind. You know, just in case. Good luck!

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    1. Glad I'm not the only one recklessly leapfrogging :)
      And glad we have our partners' optimism to mitigate our respective negativity trains! Just started reading your blog and thinking good thoughts for you.

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  2. I'm not big on commenting, but it sounds like you're going through a really hard emotional time and I didn't want to be silent. I can't help, I know, but I wanted to at least make my presence and support known. I'm a faceless Internet stranger, but I'm pulling for you and I empathize. This is a shit road we're traveling and there's no guarantee, but we're not alone and it's not impossible. I hope you're able to lean on your people—they may not get it, but I know they want to help. I know I'm leaning pretty hard on mine, and it's helping me stay upright. Good luck to you.

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    1. Adi, thank you so much - I love faceless internet strangers! (and I'm pretty sure I can see your face, not in a creepy way but in a hey-look-there's-your-picture! way. ha). Anyway, thank you for the kind thoughts and advice. It's a shit road indeed but it's oh so nice to have this little community of empathy to share it with. Sending positive vibes your way, too.

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  3. ah leapfrogging. I think we all do it. So that we have some kind of plan or safety net in mind if/when our current plan does not work. hopefully you will have a positive beta and it will be a non issue!! but, my experience is that if you do IVF you need to go into it rested and prepared. so prioritize that vacation!!

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    1. A good excuse for another (pre-IVF) vacation!

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  4. I'm sorry you're feeling torn. I feel my age like a heavy weight and am well aware of my ever diminishing prospects but there comes a time when you have to put yourself first and if your body or mind is telling you to give it a rest, then give it a rest. I know for myself taking a break has been a VERY good thing. I feel much better now and am looking forward to our next cycle with a renewed spirit that I did not have before my IVF-free-winter. And this cycle isn't even over for you yet... man, talk about a planner. Good luck with your beta... hopefully you'll be torn over your vacation plans for a whole other reason soon. And if not, then enjoy a vacation and misbehave a little then try again when you're ready.

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    1. thanks - good for you for having the courage to take a break. not to be saccharine, but honestly, it's not easy. I think we're going to push on for now, but if we get into IVF land, I imagine that a nice serene break beforehand will be much needed. good luck!

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  5. Infertility f*cks with everyone, but it is perhaps a special kind of hell for those of us who are controlling maniacs. If you find a good cocoon, will you share the location? Or perhaps go into business creating a line of similar cocoons for others in need?

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    1. Ha! Absolutely trademarking the infertility-cocoon. We could totally market that thing! I'm sure someone wants to fund our upstart NGO to provide free cocoons for infertile adult women...

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