Sunday, February 3, 2013

they must be joking, cycle 3, off to a slow start


When the nurse called with the news, even she laughed. The damage: I am still, effing, pregnant. My HCG is almost down to zero. But not quite. I clock in at a breathtakingly-so-close-to-being-un-pregnant 1.45 (down from a high of 69).

On one hand, I’m not surprised – my pelvis has felt oddly busy the last 48 hours. On the other hand, umm, really?

The nurse at my usual weekday-clinic had casually said I could start on Clomid prior to my appointment with the doctor on Tuesday. But Saturday-other-clinic-nurse was cheery and breezy as she informed me of what she thought I already knew – Clomid? Yeah, sure. But not before 10 days of re-regulation birth control, sucker!

Because I’m an assertive, strong-willed, stand-up-for-myself lady, I made a short, but impassioned, plea to skip the birth control, quickly rattling off a list of (made up and probably not medically sound) reasons why birth control was wildly unnecessary, even medically contraindicated (possibly throwing around medical jargon I heard C use). After politely hearing me out, she, ahem, declined to entertain my “alternative treatment plan.”


After I hurled the phone against the living room sofa with Herculean force hung up the phone, I unraveled into a brief temper tantrum that culminated in both tears and an urgent need to bake something. Wiping away the tears-of-continuous-child-bearing-delay, I momentarily, but very seriously, toyed with the idea of taking matters into my own hands, shoving two Clomid down my throat and hoping for the best, medical instructions be damned! regained my composure.

There was no way around it. I had to take ten agonizing days of “Apri” – a horrid little “rose-colored tablet” whose side effects – early morning nausea, bloating, crying through my mouth, not getting pregnant, etc. – were bonus symptoms I really could do without. A minor setback – like, exceedingly minor – which, for whatever reason, felt like a colossal blow. No matter. Getting pregnant now would really conflict with my totally-rational-plan that C and I hike the Pacific Crest Trail (Cheryl Strayed’s book, Wild and a certain lovely little blog are really toying with my emotions these days – despite how utterly untenable 5 months in the wilderness may seem is given the lawyer/medical residency/baby-making-thing we’ve got going on. <Insert over-wrought tirade about how/why women can/cannot "have it all." >.

8 comments:

  1. Sarah- wow gurl. I just spent about 2 hours (with superbowl as my soundtrack) reading your story. I am going through a remarkably similar "journey" (lame word, but you know what I mean). 10 months of no period, 5 rounds of moody, bloaty, bitchy clomid, an overstimulation from follistim, the dreaded month of birth control when it is actually exactly what you DON'T want, more shots and LOTS of vaginal probing, and loads of contradictory emotions through it all. I also happen to be lucky enough to know the one and only Diana V. (now A), who sent me to you, and for that I am thankful. Thanks for writing, for being honest and open, and for being all-around awesome and making me smile through the not-always-smile-inducing days. We gotta keep our chins up and know that we are not alone. Hopeful homies unite.

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  2. Wow, thanks quirkykatie! (first, I should say that I really enjoy the thought of someone reading about wandings, Clomid and infertility with football players and Beyonce in the background). Anyway, glad you're here (well, truth be told, I wish neither of us were here, but you know...) and so nice to know we have a good friend in common! Sounds like you've been to hell and back - barrel of fun, eh? Godspeed to baby and in the meantime, very excited to check out your blog!

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    1. Indeed, indeed. And re: my blog, it's not nearly as witty and honest as yours, and truth be told I have yet to totally open up about the fertility deets there (for various reasons), but there are some subliminal references to the topic. On a related note, I just had an awful "2WW," only to be greeted by "AF" this weekend and an RE appt this morning to get the week going. Gag me. So we start again. Onward march, march, march!

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    2. Ha, love the ubiquitous acronyms here (I literally scratched my head for a moment on "AF" since in my line of work, that has a totally different legal meaning. I'm a terrible infertile, I know.) Also, your blog is so much prettier than mine and I'm loving all the style, home decor, crafts and eats (and subtle hints about body temperature, weight, etc.). But most importantly - my it's-a-small-world brain just exploded because as I was browsing through the blog I realized that... we both know Rachael S (err, S-M) which is, in a word, amazing. (please pass on a hello!)

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    3. Ummm, I just made the Rach S-M connection and sent her a note and we are both freaking out! She went to both junior and senior prom with my husband (weird, I know, but totes cool) and was a "groomswoman" in our wedding, and she is one of my favorite people to talk to about all of this (just moved back to MPLS after 7 years in DC and we are oh-so-happy about it). Karma and fate, I tell ya.

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  3. Oh I have that same dream of doing the PCT or maybe the Continental Divide down the Rockies. Or of living abroad for a year or two. Or of volunteering in South America. Damnit, I'm not to good at being satisfied with what I have and what I've already achieved.

    Also, I say you wash down those damn birth control pills with some self-indulgence (as in cheesy TV, good wine, and maybe some chocolate chip cookies).

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    1. Ha, glad to hear I'm not the only one with such pie-in-the-sky ambitions! I think it's probably a measure of self-protection - if I was confident I'd be pregnant, I wouldn't be dreaming of hiking 20 miles/day for five months. But since I remain very cautious about harboring any such hopes, here we are, dreaming of crazy distance hiking expeditions. And yes to all of those things - actually, I think my next post is going to be along those very lines...

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  4. JustMe has some very good suggestions. I am so sorry that this last cycle messed you around so royally. This whole messy business is so dam sucky.

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