Tuesday, April 30, 2013

big girl pants


This post could be about my perma-nausea[1] – the persistent, hungover/seaksick/queasy/woozy feeling that seems to peak in the morning, evening and at unforeseen moments in between[2]. This post could be about how I wallowed for a couple days, dramatically dragging myself out of bed in the morning and keeping saltine crackers on the nightstand in some effort to ward off my early morning blood sugar nosedive. This post could be about how I grimaced at the smell of garlic and could be nowhere near the kitchen during most hours of the day or night lest I lay eyes on some deeply offensive food group like cookies[3], salad or anything not made exclusively from white flour. This post could be about how this morning, I put on my big girl pants, dressed up like some reasonable facsimile of a competent attorney, went and saw my client in jail and realized how frigging great I have it, you know, not having to spend my birthday incarcerated and not facing potential deportation from my home. And then I ate a tuna fish sandwich because damnit, I was in my big girl pants I am very lucky and I need to just deal already.

But that’s not what any of this post is about. Because I am nothing if not a promisekeeper,[4] here I am to deliver on my utterly captivating here-is-how-my-diet-has-radically-changed post.

Once upon a time, way back in the forever-and-ever-until-now, I ate fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. I delighted in perusing the aisles of my local Whole Foods (because I am a liberal who detests the CEO’s philosophy[5] but loves produce more). I loved cooking and baking, having dinner parties and browsing food blogs and other cliehe stuff that white people like, like camping and picking my own fruit. Today, I am sorry to say, I am but a shell of my former self. That Sarah of the past is dead to me now.

In the span of several days, my diet has shifted radically from this:

 
CSA farm share + cookies. You know, an eminently balanced diet.


To this:

Not pictured: copious amounts of oatmeal and lemon-ginger tea.


(The oranges are included to ward off scurvy!). It is utterly disgusting. So, dear readers. When you find me, so many days from now, a bloated, constipated, white-flour-filled corpse[6], my hair thinning from lack of nutrients, my skin grey and pockmarked, you will know why. A moment of silence, shall we?

Very well then. As I mentioned, today I turned a corner. I ate a tuna fish sandwich[7] and I felt fantastic. Now if you’ll excuse me, let me just slip these “sea bands” (seriously, how much fun are those two having with their adult wristbands!) back on each wrist and crawl under the covers with a saltine cracker and my will.


[1] Replace “stole that blind guy’s hot dog” with “the time I cheated at Banagrams as a 29 year old woman” (it wasn’t my fault I saw the other side of my tile letter “T” now was it?).
[2] Yes, yes, grateful for these signs, embracing any possible, plausible “affirmational (not a word) symptom” of a bona fide pregnancy, etc. But also not unwilling to concede that this is all just a dirty trick, played on me by SHINGLES. That bitch. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see at the…first ultrasound this Friday. (Like how I stuck that in the footnote, eh?).
[3] Cookies are a food group. What?
[6] Too graphic?
[7] I know. You can tell I’m pretty proud of this. The thing is, I don’t even like tuna that much. But the bar is low here.

16 comments:

  1. Oh thank you thank you for writing this post. Seriously, I feel like everyone else doesn't get just how much it changes you and affects you. And the food (although proof of my upper-middle-class status) is part of me and so going back to eating noodles and canned soups and crackers is pretty depressing. Good for you for putting on your Big Girl Pants.

    Oh, and sounds like we have similar type jobs. Working our asses off for people who remind us how good we have it. A great and noble job, but a hard thing to do in the first trimester.

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    1. Glad to have your company in bland-food-land. Although hoping you're on the up and up in the second trimester? (Or at least lie to me and tell me it gets better. Ha.)

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  2. I know I've said it before, but I love how you bring your sense of humour to everything. Hope those oranges keep warding off the scurvy! (Since I guess you can't have grog anymore.)

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  3. But wait, the morning O's are multi-grain! Also the rolled up chip bag makes it seem like it is screaming SEA SALT more than it actually is, and I'm thinking I need some SEA SALT right now. And yes. Nausea is so disheartening to doing every single thing one needs to do in the course of the day, even when you celebrate and welcome its root cause.

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    1. Ha, yes, I suppose I did make that look like a veritable salt lick. For the record, I have not had a single sea salt chip since posting that picture - even among the bland foods, I rapidly gain/lose my taste for things. It's charming really... Hope you got that sea salt you were jonesing for!

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  4. Your new diet looks eerily similar to the "food cabinet" I had as a college freshman in my dorm room.
    I can imagine the perma-nausea isn't pleasant, but it must bring you a little reassurance to be having such strong pregnancy symptoms. Still, I hope it subsides for you soon. Until then, eat all the Wonder Bread you need to.

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  5. Add to your diet some Gatorade and some candy to suck on (both are really helping me cope) and you have my diet, and I'm still in this damn two week wait not even sure I'm preggo or not. If this is only the Endometrin causing the "perma-nauseau" and not pregnancy then that drug is a cruel cruel mother fucker!

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    1. fingers crossed that your symptoms are a good sign! and yes, sucking on hard candy seems to take the edge off!

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  6. Haha, I will say, however, that the organic navel oranges at Whole Foods are tasting really good these days! I've stocked up on those myself. Also, as I've heard from many a doctor, don't worry about your diet in the first trimester -- chances are, your tastes will improve again in a few more weeks and your body has been storing all those CSA-derived nutrients for just this occasion anyway.

    One recommendation, though -- get some better bagels! Those look gross! :)

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    1. Ha! I appreciate your candor and I agree. I only had about 4 before ditching them. Ick.

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  7. Uhg. Sorry you've been relegated to all-starch-all-the-time, but on the bright side, you now have legitimate and easy-to-follow grounds for a John Mackey boycott (ick indeed). Plus, as gross as it is, it provides some reassurance that things are going well. Very much looking forward to today's news friend!

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    1. thanks buddy :)
      the news is forthcoming...

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  8. Welcome to first trimester eating as my OB said yesterday. Carbs, carbs and carbs. That is all I want and all I crave. I have been trying to supplement the carbs with lots of fruit (tangerines, apples, & pineapple), yogurt, and try to throw veggies in when possible. My husband seems annoyed with my current diet- especially when I DO NOT want to eat leftovers- but hopefully it gets better soon.

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    1. Tangerines and pineapple?! Amazing. Please teach me your Jedi ways! Congrats to you!

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